Well. I find myself newly single. By phone. No last touch. No last sight. Poof. Ethereal. The boy that wasn’t there. The boy who felled my heart in the woods and no one was around. Maybe he never existed? I wish he never existed. In my life.
By phone. From hundreds of kilometres away. A dandelion. A puff of wind. Nothing. That’s what this whole relationship feels like now. Tentative. Pending. Gone.
Only the second person I have ever given my heart to. Now the second person to claw it apart.
What kind of fucked up karma do I have anyway? What lesson do I still not get? Doomed to repeat until I learn. What? That giving my heart away is wrong? Fuck that. Or maybe not. Maybe no one gets my heart. Maybe that’s my lesson. Maybe my karma is to hold my own heart. I don’t want to hold my own heart. I don’t want to sit in a room by myself and hold my own heart. Please don’t let that be the lesson.
I wish my life came out normal. Find man. Marry man. Have kids. Grow old and happy. I don’t know why that wasn’t meant to be for me. I wish it was. I wish I didn’t feel so goddamned unusual. 34 for christsake. 34 and single. Yeah I’m not the only one. But this mountain. I don’t like this mountain. I want to get off it. I don’t care what’s at the top. It’s probably a party full of married happy couples who did their job and procreated.
What is wrong with me? Am I defective? Great. Now I have to put myself out there again. Now I have to open up my naked body to another total stranger hoping they will become more than a total stranger. I can’t be arsed. It’s all too fucking hard. The rewards never come. I don’t think there even are rewards. My disillusionment is winning.
Not again. Please not again.
I can’t do it anymore.
Maybe the clairvoyant was right. 10 months ago. Said he was not the one. Said he was practice. Said a tall man would come along. Said I attract the boys. He’d be a boy. With potential. Where? It’s all grey and fog. I don’t see. I don’t care anymore. Come. Don’t come. Seems it will always turn out the same. Me, alone, shredded heart.
I can’t wait for the numb. After the weeping comes the numb. I know this from before. How long this time?
1 comments:
Sorry to hear Mel.
Don't throw yourself on the heap just yet. But you sound like you need time to heal. The mountain will be there when you get back.
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