defectivity should be a word

So for those of you playing along at home, one man left me because he wanted to become a monk but ended up having fun with pretty things all over the world before hooking up with the wife of a mate and playing mummies and daddies.

 

Current plaything doesn't want to be with me but he does but he doesn’t in a ‘cake and eating it’ situation.

 

Now another ex who left me because he wanted to earn money and climb rocks instead of loving me has hooked up with someone else. To be fair, maybe he’s still earning money, who knows. Right now I don’t give a fuck.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not denying anyone long term happiness just because they couldn’t find it with me, what I’m fucking pissed off about is being told “it’s not you it’s me” or “it’s not you it’s because of this”, when clearly it IS me if it keeps happening to me this way. Why don’t these guys just call it how it is? “I’m over playing with you and now I want to play with someone else”.

 

I’ve worked out my next tattoo: the word ‘defective’ stamped on my arse.

 

Over the weekend I went to a funeral of a mate I knew through another ex, so of course he was there along with a few other mates I know through him. One mate said something interesting when speaking about my ex (interesting in that it fucking pissed me off because I hear it over and over again): “you were the best thing for him, the best thing to happen to him”. I nearly decked him. I bit his head off in any case. He was also trying to hit on me so who knows, maybe that was his way of making me feel awesome. It jut made me feel like a piece of shit.

 

Why do I keep finding these boys who hook up with me only to think it’s not what they want, break it off, then realise it was what they wanted after all? Jesus Christ men, get it together. I’m sick of being the trial version.

easter energy

I always forget that every day is the first day of the rest of my life. Today – Easter Sunday, I’m reminded, thanks to this tweet from @rashasman:

 

“Happy easter. For those not caring about the religious side we can take the 'new beginnings' message and run with that.”

 

I love it when the world brings me something right when I need it.

 

This long weekend has been spent in a sallow funk with my usual ‘why me’ whine as I wonder what I have to do in this world to get a break.

 

Today is the right time for my new beginning, painful as childbirth as it is. I need to do something different starting from now, because so far all I’ve managed to do is get bogged in the middle of the mud pond of life without knowing the secret of how to get to the other side. I’m sick of pulling myself through mud. It’s tiring and unproductive.

 

I’m not defective, not that awful to look at, don’t have any debilitating quirks that make people run screaming from me, I’m not mean, stuck up, or hard to handle. I’m open, wear my heart on my sleeve and take everyone as they are. So my new beginning for today is to let go of anything that makes me think otherwise.

 

World, I’ll no longer let you put me in situations where I’m taken for granted. I deserve more, and would rather frolic through this life alone than settle for less.

 

Yesterday I asked the world two questions: “do good men actually exist?” and “what next, world?”. In the middle of the night they were both answered by a chance meeting which gave me hope that something better is out there and sometime soon I’m going to find it. The world told me not to give up and I’m going to obey.