I can feel a crisis coming on, another soul-scrape on the approach. I don’t like it.
It’s always triggered by being treated less than human; by another person stonewalling me, making me second-guess what’s going on, making my brain go into overdrive trying to work out if I’m being played like a first class fiddle.
It’s the same situation over and over – when I’m made to realise I once again pinned my happiness on another. I can’t do that. None of us can. People let you down. It’s as certain as death and taxes. They may not mean to, but eventually it happens; whether they fuck you over, or die on you, they let you down.
I have to learn to rely on myself. Only I can make me happy. Why do I still let external situations affect me? All they do is place me right back in the same spot – the bottom of the hole, where I once again have to work like buggery to climb my way out of it.
I am sick to death of crying into my sleeves.
If only there was a way to remove the person from the acts they do to you, life would be so much simpler. There would be no more hurt, no more retaliation, none of this “you hurt me so much I’m going to hurt you back”.
It’s such an automated response; we all do it, and we might not even want to. I know I do when I’m too weak to have restraint. I hate that about me. I want to be able to put what the person’s done behind me, and just start rediscovering my own happiness. I don’t want all this focus on the hurt and anger and pain.
2 comments:
Awws Mel. You can't put all of your happiness in another but you can allow them to contribute to it. Don't think that you can't do that.
As for hurt, I think a lot of people don't mean to hurt us. Even when they do.
i'm sure they don't, but they manage to. anyone who's ever been a big contributor to my happiness has managed to hurt me in the end. makes one jaded wotwot.
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