I need a good cry. You know the kind of cry you need to have not because something’s happened, but because nothing’s happened? I need one of those cries.
I didn’t get a job I applied for last week, and in a way I’m relieved, because the next step would have been to go through months of suffering and hard struggle – it would have been one tough slog I’m not sure I’m up for right now.
It would have also meant cancelling my long overdue holidays, working much longer hours, and taking a pay cut of at least $5K but most likely more. It would have meant leaving an office full of people I love, and a view to die for.
Among a shitload of other things.
So why with the crying?
I went for the job almost because I had to; I felt obliged. I looked at it as a possible fix for my malaise, and went for it almost as a way to let the universe fix everything for me.
I think a lot of people thought I was a definite for it. Except me. Heart wasn’t in it. Heart told brain. Brain turned off at crucial moment.
Now, I haven’t moved anywhere. Nothing’s fixed. Nothing happened.
The universe has given me a big “oh no you don’t”. I can’t take the easy way out of my general dissatisfaction with life. I still have to strip myself bare and study everything to find out what the hell is wrong with me. I have to fix it the long and hard way instead of trying the geographical approach.
I just wish it could have given me that message in a less humiliating way.
2 comments:
The universe is big on humiliation this month. Don't take it personally, she's doing it to more people that you.
too tru. all the shitkicking planets had a pow-wow this month. meh, a bit of humiliation is good once in a while, i guess.
Post a Comment