happiness part 2: the journey continues

Ok this is an opening up of the soul even more, which I do in the small hope that someone else out there is going to go "me too!" Either that, or the pointing and laughing - both work for me just fine, because I'm doing this for me anyway, so it matters not.

 

I'm still trying to get to the bottom of what happiness is, where I can find it, how I can get it, am I standing in my own way of it, and for goodness sake why.

 

I still believe happiness can only be found within; I have no control over anything external. Things will be as they will be. I only have control over my thoughts, actions and reactions to everything external. Like the seed of knowledge offered by the Desiderata - change what you can, accept what you can't, know the difference. To let go of the struggle against the unchangeable - let be what is. That is at the core of being happy.

 

Right, so that's how I get to happiness. Sounds perfectly feasible. I have no idea why it proves to be so hard.

 

Next on the agenda then, is to work out why I don't do what brings me happiness in the external world, something to occupy myself while I work on getting to the happiness within.

 

What if I monumentally stuff everything up If I follow my dream? What if it makes me homeless? I detest the fact you have to take into account material concerns. I know not everyone does, but the struggle endured by them seems too much for me to bear. I don't want to make living any harder than I find it at the moment. That's the crux - I find existing in this world too damn hard. It's a chore which I don't have the strength to complicate further.

 

I didn't flap my wings a lot as a kid. Then I moved out of home at 17, straight into an 11 year relationship with someone I was happy to let make decisions and look after the grown up things. At the time I didn't realise how much I relied on this aspect of him until he was gone.

 

So I'm a late bloomer; I didn't have to start relying solely on myself until I was 28. And I didn't cope well at all. I mourned the loss of that relationship for two weeks. Two weeks! After 11 years. Madness. I had two weeks of crying, then no more crying. I knew people who cried daily for a year over similar situations. I just believed I had found the strength within myself. In a way I was right but it was not the right strength.

 

Three years later I went to a naturopath after suffering terribly with digestion problems and a feeling that I was just not getting any nutrients out of what I ate. The naturopath quite alarmingly said it looked like my body had been running on adrenaline for three years straight. My adrenal gland was almost totally depleted. So that's where my 'strength' was coming from - a chemical toxic to the body, only meant to be used in short bursts. Here I was, milking it dry, just to get through normal days.

 

There it is - I'm still a child trying to learn how to be an adult. I find this world a constant struggle, and I'm waiting for someone else to step in and take care of me. That's why I don't believe I have what it takes to follow a dream. Now I understand that, I can start the reprogramming.