a universal green light

I’m starting to come out of a period I now think was mild depression.

I closed off from the world, pulled everything inward while I tried to untangle the massive ball of string that was my mind. I struggled to stay sane at work, became morose even when I tried my hardest not to be, spent most days weeping at my desk. Pretty much sad-sack central.

The low point came when my black thoughts started to scare me. In particular when I drove over a bridge and calmly pondered what it would be like to drive off it. Straight through the railing, nose first into the water below. I even imagined what kind of injuries I would get on the way down, what would happen when the car hit the water, whether I would be able to get out before the car went under.. on and on it went but it seemed only for a millisecond.

At the other side of the bridge I suddenly realised what had just passed through my head. I muttered, “that’s not normal” and burst into tears. I wept for myself, almost sympathetically - oh you poor thing.

Black thoughts had been blowing across the lake of my mind for a while, and I’d been watching them like a passive observer, but this one was louder than usual. The survival instinct didn’t pipe up as much as it should when your brain suggests a mortal-danger-scenario. Not that I would have even remotely followed through with it, but the scientific calmness with which I thought about it was just not right.

I realised I hadn’t just lost the plot, I’d lost the whole freaking book. It was time to do something about it.

My burnout at work was a major contributor, so I started trying to find ways to make that stop. I reconnected with reading and writing -finishing unfinished novels, carrying a notepad around to write whenever the mood arose, spending small fortunes in second-hand bookshops. I started taking a herbal remedy and scratched out this little corner of the interweb for my own personal therapy sessions.

I became pro-active, and something strange happened, something a friend reminded me of today: when you become pro-active in your quest to try and fix something in your life, the universe steps up to help you.

Last week seemed to be ‘conversations with randoms’ week. Total strangers on the street felt compelled to open up to me. I don’t know whether something had physically changed in me, or whether my aura had changed, maybe a little of both; in any case I seemed to be subconsciously transmitting an approachable vibe.

The universe was telling me it’s time to reconnect.

Today I started a book called “Shoot the Damn Dog – A Memoir of Depression” by Sally Brampton, and what do I read on the first page but this:

“Life is about connection. There is nothing else. Depression is the opposite; it is an illness defined by alienation.”

Two messages in one – not only time to reconnect, but time to realise I’m coming out of whatever funk had me in it’s grip. No better way for the universe to tell me I’m on the right track.