The sadness and the grrr came back a bit today, which is a little scary and a lot annoying. Where is it coming from? Has my body adapted to the little herbal happy pills already?
After cruising through such a fantastic day on Friday where everything went right, today I found myself getting irked with hold ups, fools who don’t know how to drive, things going wrong, boredom, annoyance, and I think a little sprinkling of my old friend despair. The return of the rara, after happily announcing in the last post that the rara was gone (jinx!).
I started thinking whether it was possible that everything today was happening just as it did on Friday, and it was just my perception that turned it into a FFS day, or whether it really was just the series and sequences of events and I should have just left home 5mins earlier/later/not at all.
I remembered a time when I was on a train travelling home after a bone-tiring day, kind of zoned out, almost between-worlds-vague, standing near the concertina where two carriages joined. On my carriage, I felt as if I and the carriage were hardly moving, but the other carriage was bouncing all over the place and swinging left and right as we rounded bends. I suddenly realised that someone standing on the other carriage looking my way would have been thinking the same thing (if they weren’t already thinking “why is that scary looking person staring at me blankly?”). If only I got more than a C in physics I would be able to tell you the scientific whys and hows of that, throwing in words like velocity, and vector, and motion. Yawn.
It made me realise that I can only ever see the world from my standpoint, through my two eyes, with my brain and all its nurtured and natured wiring. The world just is; it is I who pivots.
So happy days and bad days are both the same and I just have to somehow work out a way to get the happy eyes blinking all the time. Dang that’s hard. Sometimes my happy eyes are hell red and tired…
3 comments:
Sometimes it is a matter of perspective.
But also, sometimes we just have shitty days. So, it could have been just that
You had a wake-up call last week, and whilst that self-knowledge is a good thing you also can't allow it to have control over you, because that adds it its power.
That too is an important part of recovery.
AL, true that. Tho isn't self-knowledge, leading to self-perception, the only reality in this world? Ohhh, but I have to control *it* instead of the other way round? hmm.
Self-perception is a reality, true, but one of a number of different co-existing realities.
After all, you looked at the train carriage an perceived a reality. The person in the other carriage looking back at you perceived something else. Both perceptions, and both realities, are equally true, equally real and also equally false.
If depression is a truly tangible thing, then it is like a stained class window which colours your perception and thus your reality. The thing about windows is that you can look at them, or look through them.
But you can also control a window. You can move the curtains, or open it and poke your head out. Doing so does not destroy the window, or deny its existance - but you are controlling the lightness and darkness it gives, instead of allowing it to control your perceptions.
Post a Comment