the philosophy of integrity

I wonder if you have to reach a certain age first before you start learning more from the actions of others than what you learn from your own? Is there a point in time where the bulk of our learning switches from “ok, I did that wrong” to, “ok, he’s doing that wrong. Note to self: don’t do that”.

 

Maybe that’s what this ‘older and wiser’ thing I keep hearing about, is about?

 

It seems easier now to observe another person’s actions and see right through to the core of it; from their action I know how to – or not to, behave. I don’t even need to be the recipient of their behaviour to feel how wrong it is.

 

In this case though, I am the recipient, and I have learned this: at all times act with integrity. Be straightforward and honest. Don’t be a dick. Don’t give out an illusion, give the truth. Make sure everyone’s on the same page. Make sure anyone else you have entangled knows what’s going on. If all you want is to scratch an itch then fucking come out and say it. Don’t use and abuse and then be a prick about it.

 

Dishonesty is not becoming.

the philosophy of friendship

It’s only been over the last three of four years that I have had friendships physically dissolve in front of my eyes. Before then friends just drifted away to lead other lives in other places; not ending a friendship, just suspending it due to distance, and then time.

 

No, lately I’ve had friendships die in the arse because damaging situations – irreparable, or so I assume; I’m still not sure.

 

Every now and then I wonder if anything can be salvaged from the wreckage, or whether I just need to cut all cords for good and let the debris sink to the bottom of the dark and murky sea (to extend the metaphor too far).

 

How do you decide whether there’s anything left to hang a friendship on?

 

The closer someone is to me, the less I seem to be able to forgive them if they cross me. I know it should be the opposite, but I guess I just place too much of my sensitive self in the arms of my friends and lovers, meaning I’m hurt ten-fold if they do me wrong.

 

A bruise to the soul takes longer to heal.

I tend to shy away from show-downs unless I’m powered by aggression, and even then I would rather not let loose. I don’t like making people feel bad; it makes me too uncomfortable, even if they’re in the wrong.

 

Here’s a hint though: if you’ve wronged me, don’t wait for me to fix it. I’ll wait until the second coming and beyond before I’ll bring it up.

 

I don’t know. I thought starting this entry would bring everything into focus and I’d suddenly discover a solution. Perhaps I need to remember that people enter your lives to teach you something, and when the lesson’s finished, they leave.

30day challenge: is ovah!

Day 30: Your favourite song.

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I did it. I made it to the end, with only three lapses of being one day behind.

 

I’m not a fan of nominating my favourite anything – there’s too much finality in that statement. My tastes are always changing or always depend on what mood I’m in at the time.

 

But, if I had to nominate one song, it would be Two Months Off by Underworld. It’s always a solid fixture in my top ten favourite tracks, and I think it’s a fitting positive end to this challenge.

 

This song has everything – a cranking beat perfect for jumping around the house, a happy dancing man in the film clip with rainbows and puddle-fun, cowbell!!!, and a positive message:

 

You bring light in...
To a dark place
Walking in light
Glowing walking in light
Gold ring around you
The hues of you
The golden sunlight of you
You bring light in...
Cool wind following
Following after you
Rising for you
Your skin beautiful
Everything comes natural
Fantastic fan
Rocking rocking floating

 

Whenever I need to be cheered up, this song will do it.

 

 

 

Well that’s it folks! Hope you’ve enjoyed 30 days of random rambling.

 

Hugs,

me.

30day challenge: 29.

Day 29: In this past month what have you learned?

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Owing to one of the goals I set myself earlier in the month of trying to learn one new thing each day, I’ve learned a lot.

 

Did you know there are 58 Maori tribes? Did you know that copacetic means fine, excellent? Did you know that before the 1670s, clocks only had one hand? Did you know there’s a cylinder in a vault in France which determines how much a kilogram weighs? Did you know Pixar has a whole room dedicated to cereal for their employees to enjoy, apparently? And I think I learned something about corn but I forget it – always an even number of rows of kernels? Hm.

 

If I’m meant to allude to this challenge then this month has taught me that I do actually have a modicum of discipline within me which I should nurture and help grow beyond the boundaries of a boring blog into the sphere of housework, and exercise, and eating properly, and taking my lunches to work, and so on and so forth.

 

To borrow a quote from Ice Cube: I can do it put my back into it.

30day challenge: 28.

Day 28: You, last year and this year – how have you changed?

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This is supposed to be another photo post: me last year and this year. NO MORE PHOTOS. Anyway, physically there aren’t enough changes worth banging on about. The biggest change is that I look more worn out, my complexion is duller and my eyes less sparkly. In short, the blush of youth has retreated even further away and I just look consistently ill. Hardly worth mentioning, really.

 

I’d rather talk about an internal change I’ve noticed in myself from two years ago to now.

 

I spend a lot less time being negative and depressed. I’ve worked hard for this, making a conscious effort to monitor my moods and reactions by taking a step back from myself to observe as a third person.

 

I censor myself a lot more now. Normally that would be a bad thing – I’m not into self censorship, to a point, but in my case I realised that randomly ranting and raving about certain topics only fed my negativity until it was fat enough to crush me. Not productive at all. It’s good to let it out, but bang on and on about it and you don’t get anything done. You don’t change the situation and you don’t create anything better out of it.

 

That’s not to say I don’t still have the occasional online rant, but I don’t dwell on the bad as long as I used to. I’m moving along a lot faster now (probably to a lot of people’s relief…).

 

My happy blog has helped a lot in this regard – I’m training my mind to turn towards the good things in life rather than pick out the bad. I noticed this happening even today. I had an awful walk to work (for no other reason than it just seemed like everything and everyone was getting in my way) and nearly posted a rant-tweet but pulled myself up and said if I wanted to post a rant, I had to first post a positive. Then, if I still felt like having a whinge I could. Sure enough, after I commented on how awesome the warm breeze felt early in the morning I didn’t feel like complaining at all.

 

I’ll always be a work in progress. Now I just have to try and work out what I’m progressing towards.

30day challenge: 27.

Day 27: Why are you doing the 30 day challenge?

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Indeed.

 

Personal discipline is not really one of my strong points. I guess I wanted to start this to see if I could finish it.

 

One of my most annoying traits is that I start a lot of things after being filled with great ideas, then abandon them when they become dull and drawn out and overrun with practicalities. I can’t tell you how many half finished projects litter the corridors of my life.

 

It’s a habit I’m trying very hard to weed out.

 

So, main reason would be that.

 

I also want an excuse to write and this has given me a focus or direction for my words (although some of the topics have been a little flat). It’s been fun forming sentences longer than 140 characters. I like sentences. Sentences good. Good with the grammars.

 

Plus, I’m sure my thousands upon thousands of avid readers have had a fun journey learning a little bit more about the molecules that make up the Mel, absolutely.

 

pfft.

30day challenge: 26.

Day 26: What do you think about your friends?

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My friends are awesome.

 

Again, resisting the urge to write “The End” here because that’s what I think about my friends – they’re awesome. You. Are. All. Awesome.

 

Instead I’ll tell a story.

 

Once upon a time, a girl – recently adrift in the world of friends (owing to unfortunate incidents already discussed), started forming connections online with people she found interesting and entertaining and inspiring.

 

When they asked her to come outside and play in the real world, she did, deciding to be brave and follow her nose to see what adventures appeared.

 

They all proved to be the most magical and amazing people who would jump without hesitation to her or anyone else’s aid, lending ears for listening or shoulders to cry on or stories for laughter or hugs for the hell of it.

 

They opened their homes and their hearts without any hesitation. They accepted the girl and all her quirks without question.

 

And now, the girl, when she sits and marvels at what has happened over such a short time, can’t help but shake her head in disbelief at the workings of the world and the amount of totally awesome people in it.

 

The End.

30day challenge: 25.

Day 25: What’s in your bag?

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Not sure how this is going to be in any way fascinating, not sure if I can even spin any story out of it, but you asked for it so here goes.

 

The best thing in my bag is the lining. It’s super cool. I love this bag. It’s an Olga Berg, my favourite bag making person.

 

On the outside it’s pretty nondescript, a very low key but stylish black leather jobby; on the inside it’s a pretty pattern of flowers and leaves – not as naff as it sounds. It cheers me up anyway.

 

The only thing I hate about this bag (or any bag) is that when I put my hand in to find something I end up touching every single other thing in the bag first before I reach what I want, no matter what it is I’m looking for. It’s some sort of glitch in the matrix, I swear. Sometimes after searching for ages for something I will swear black and blue that it’s not in there at all only to suddenly see it sitting in there later in the day. Damn dirty bag tricks.

 

I feel a little like Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club right now. Here goes nothing *empties bag onto floor*

 

At the moment it’s holding… (Drumroll)…

 

• half a packet of Coles brand paracetamol (gotta love generic),
• roll on deodorant (Nivea pure invisible if you must know – smells lovely and stays away from your clothes… I really should be sponsored for this shit),
• Vaseline hand cream AND a tube of L’Occitane acacia flower hand cream recently purchased in Vegas (for when I feel like being a little more upmarket about my hand cream application),
• a little pot of paw paw cream for the lips,
• Sennheiser earbuds in their little bag,
• another empty Sennheiser bag – I have no explanation for why I’m carrying it around,
• a little purse pack of tissues, only in there because of my recent foray into the world of snot,
• a packet of chewies with only two left,
• my wallet (my poor, overworked, wallet),
• black Moleskine notebook with dirty edges, two thirds full of scribbled ramblings on the run,
• pen,
• a citrix chip for work (you know, a password generator thing-a-me-bob that lets me log in off-site),
• one plastic spoon (?),
• digital camera (I like to carry it around in case I see something snapworthy),
• black eyeliner pencil (thrown in yesterday to take to work for halloween in case anyone wanted to draw black things on their face. They didn’t),
• a green jade happy buddha all the way from Vietnam, given to me by my last boyfriend,
• Transperth smart rider (a misnomer),
• spare rubber thingamys for my earbuds,
• a printout for my cut and paste micro festival ticket (GET YOURS NOW),
• one lonely tampon,
• one black hairclip.

I don’t know how your day could get any better than reading all of that. I mean, the fascination and awe! The excitement! How can anything else top it? I for one am overcome.

 

Feel free to tell me what my contents say about me for I have no idea.

30day challenge: 24.

Day 24: A letter to your parents.

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Fffuuuuuh…

 

Ok.

 

Like a bandaid.

 

Dear Dad,

 

Thanks for bringing me into the world. You were pretty young yourself. I can’t remember the last time I saw you. My favourite photo is of me as a teeny tiny baby in your arms while you sat in your fire truck. Hope you’re having an awesome life. Very nice taste being into Harleys. I don’t thank you for my chin – I’m not very partial to my chin. Or my freckles.

 

Dear Mum,

 

Thanks for bringing me into the world. You were pretty young yourself. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. Thanks for trusting me through my teen years – it really made a difference and influenced my decisions. Thanks for sticking up for me when I needed it. Now I really really need you to look after yourself. Don’t be the martyr. Your health is important.

 

Dear stepdad,

 

Man, you had some issues. I guess you did things the best way you knew how. I hope you’ve grown, matured, refined your decision-making process, learnt from your mistakes. I still don’t think my actions through all five years of high school warranted me being grounded for 90% of the time. If you think about it, I was a pretty good, straight down the line kid. But thanks for it all anyway, because it made me get out and walk on my own as soon as I could, vowing never to come back.

 

Dear parental figures in my life,

 

Thankyou all, warts and all. I turned out ok regardless.

 

Hugs,

Me.

30day challenge: 23.

Day 23: Something you crave.

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Cravings are fickle things. One day I’ll crave sweet, the next, savoury. One day noise, the next, silence. One day company, the next, solitude.

 

I don’t have a constant craving. But now I do have k.d lang in my head singing like a dog howling, or air escaping a balloon: “cohhhhhhhhnstaaaaaaaant craaaaaaaaaviiiiiiing”. Blech.

 

If I absolutely must come up with something it would be close companionship. I crave a soul mate who can hang with me when I want sweet or savoury, or noise or silence, or company or – ok the last one doesn’t work, but you get the picture.

 

Yeah. I’ll go with that. Well, that or pistachio nuts.

30day challenge: 22.

Day 22: What makes you different from everyone else?

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Duh. Everything. There is no other me.

 

I’m really fighting the urge to follow that sentence with, “The End” because this is a writing exercise and it would defeat the purpose, but seriously, that’s all there is to it – everything about me makes me different from everyone else. I AM a beautiful and unique snowflake, so there.

 

Sometimes the enormity of our uniqueness will hit me and I’ll walk through the city or sit somewhere watching everyone go past and just marvel at our total and utter individuality.

 

It’s such a dichotomy though: sure, we’re different from everyone else, but we all still go through the same experiences, and in that regard we’re all exactly the same.

 

We all struggle with love, death, taxes, religion, loneliness, family issues, waking up in the morning, overindulgence, health, jobs, and trying to dress ourselves properly after a night on the turps (or maybe that one’s just me). We all laugh, cry, eat, shit, die.

 

No one else wears my eyes though; no one else sees things the way I do, and there is no way for me to see things the way another person does. I can’t feel what another person feels, I can only imagine what they’re feeling.

 

That’s our point of difference, and that’s what makes me different to everyone else – the place I stand in the world to observe and try to understand it.

30day challenge: 21

Day 21: A picture of something that makes you happy.

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I love seagulls. That’s right, their only fan base seems to be little kids who like to chase them, and I. If my adoration marks me as odd, I care not.

 

Look at them long enough when they’re quietly standing on the sand and you’ll start to hear their silence; their contemplative nature is infectious.

 

I’ve watched them stare out to sea with what looks like a sense of longing – for what, I don’t know, they won’t tell me. When they drift off to sleep and their head starts to nod, it’s adorable. When they fly low overhead their grey/white bodies against the aqua blue sky look amazing.

 

They’re much maligned. Admittedly they don’t have the dulcet tones and cheeky moves of a willy wagtail, or the grace and beauty of a swan, or much more purpose than cleaning up dropped chips and shitting on your car, but they still make me smile.

 

Dedicated to the wisest of gulls, Mr Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

30day challenge: 20.

Day 20: Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future.

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Today, mid morning, after nothing extraordinary occurred, I felt a wave of utter loneliness smack into me. I deflated like a sad balloon.

 

It’s been too long since I’ve had a proper relationship and every now and then I give up the daily struggle to be ok about that; I tire of waiting patiently. I get sick of hugging myself.

 

There are only so many times you can tell yourself you never know what’s around the corner, you shouldn’t give up, that the world works in its own time frame.

 

If I could see my future it would save me a lot of angst. I wouldn’t keep worrying about never finding a lover to share my life with and being alone for the rest of my life.

 

I refuse to settle; I still believe that I’ll know love when I see it and there will be some sort of inner recognition that ‘this is the one’.

 

So, short answer is I don’t see a particular someone. The fog has rolled in over my future and I can’t see anything. I just have to keep hoping that under the fog is a man who loves me and who I love back, and wants to hang with me and watch me get wrinkly.

30day challenge: 19.

Day 19: Nicknames you have and why.

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This has just made me realise how beige I may actually be. I don’t really have any discernable quirks or signature moves that would give birth to a nickname.

 

Apart from the occasional variation on my name (like Melski) the closes thing I have would be Little Mel. Not hard to guess where it comes from – I’m teeny. 

 

It was coined by a cheeky friend in high school who used to pick me up and spin me around his head like a helicopter. Only he would ever get away with doing it; I definitely wouldn’t have put up with it from anyone else.

 

I’m still close friends with him but you know, old age and all of that, I doubt his back would take it these days.

 

For some reason I’ve stuck with it and it’s grown on me – pardon the pun.

30day challenge: 18.

Day 18: Plans, goals, dreams.

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Plans. Plan. A plan. I plan to…

Hm.

 

Goals. As previously mentioned I’m not really one for setting goals, although after enjoying plugging away at the few I set for this month I might have to revise that stance.

 

Dreams. Well the one I had last night was me on an alien planet hiding in an aircraft hangar trying to avoid a wicked meteor storm.

 

Plans Goals Dreams. It’s really the same thing. You have a dream, you turn it into a goal, you set down a plan to make it happen.

 

So what are mine? *cue 30 second thinking music*

 

This is what I desire. I want to renovate my little place so I can sell it if I want to. I could sell it as it is but I don’t want to. I want to build on this investment and get something out of it. More importantly I want to prove to myself that I can do it, because let me be quite clear here – I. Hate. Renovating.

 

Living on my own makes it even harder. How does anyone manage to organise a renovation around a worklife? I don’t want strange tradies in my house around all my stuff when I’m not there. And where am I going to pee? How am I going to shower when my bathroom’s out of action? I don’t want to join a gym. I don’t want to cart a towel to work to sneak upstairs and get myself all wet. Sigh.

 

To be honest with you my only other long term goal is to find my happiness within. Happiness and contentment is really the only goal worth having. To be happy wherever you are, doing whatever you do – that is the real nirvana.

 

Oh, and find love. Yes, love and a companion to share it with would be awesome. Wouldn’t hurt if he had a pretty penny or two and a place by the beach. Make it so.

30day challenge: 17.

Day 17: Who would you want to switch lives with for a day?

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I’ve been thinking about this all day. Billionaire? Superstar? High powered executive? A day in their life would probably leave me feeling empty.

 

I would really love to switch places with someone who was terminally ill. I know technically we’re all terminal, but we forget. Or we choose not to remember.

 

Once you can feel your body failing you and you have someone telling you that you only have x amount of months to live, living becomes a totally different thing.

 

You appreciate everything. Everything you see is in high def. You no longer buy into the posturing, the egotism, the energy suckers. You appreciate what is actually important in life. You discover your divinity. Your eyes are opened.

 

At least, that’s what I imagine it’s like.

 

I think I’d like just one day of that, to remind me that all the little stuff I torture myself with every day is utter bullshit, that while I suffer through the things that drain me, sap my core dry and make me miserable, while I whinge about what I think is pain and suffering, I miss out on understanding real pain and suffering, and the real truth of what this life is about.

30day challenge: 16.

Day 16: Another photo of yourself.

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Blah. For a writing challenge this has way too many pictures.

 

To give it some sort of purpose my slant for this post shall be music festivals.

 

I am a self-confessed festival junkie. I started late, and I’ll finish late. I don’t care. They fill me with positive spirit and that’s a good thing. Why get rid of a good thing just because of society’s preconceived ideas of age appropriate behaviour?

 

Admittedly I do think there will come a time when I have to pull the plug; I only hope the allure wears off before my body wears down. I’m (unsuccessfully) trying to cut down this festival season – it’s an obvious ‘not yet’ from my heart.

 

What you get out of a festival depends on what eyes you wear. A lot of people whinge about the posing and posturing from the patrons, the tryhards with their shirts off, the skanky blondes with their arse cheeks hanging out. All I ever see are people wailing with it, getting into the music, having an awesome time in their little minds, a collective hive of people tuned into the vibe. People not afraid to let their freak flag fly.

 

Personally I spend the whole day immersed in awesome beats with the biggest grin on my face, dancing my arse off for hours at a time and not caring what I look like doing it. I come home covered in sweat and dust and already planning the next one.

 

 

 

    

30day challenge: 15

Day 15: Put your iPod on shuffle and list the first 10 songs.

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There are so many songs in my iTunes I haven’t even listened to, and triple that amount that I’ve never even touched on Winamp. I don’t usually use shuffle because it’s just too eclectic – usually I’m in a specific mood so at the very least I’ll pick a genre and shuffle that. So, this could be mighty embarrassing.

 

1. Special K, Placebo.

I love this song. “No hesitation, no delay, you come on just like special K, just like I swallowed half my stash, and never ever want to crash”

 

2. The 16th Hour, Deadmau5.

Atmospheric, throbby, pumping, this is a good song to walk through the city to. It’s my perfect walking pace and makes me feel invincible. Actually most of Deadmau5 works for that.

 

3. Earthquake Weather, Beck.

I went through a Beck stage but haven’t listened to him for a while. I definitely need to be in the mood. This tune’s got a nice laidback beat though; nice background to a chilled sunday arvo.

 

4. If I Know You, The Presets.

Love love love this. I know almost all the words and I’ve been known to belt it out in the car a couple of times in a row on the way home from work. “And tonight, if we learn that the world’s on fire, I guess I’ll turn to you, I hope I never, I hope I never have to”.

 

5. Shed My Skin, D*Note.

Wow this song makes another appearance in the 30day challenge. This is one of the happiest songs and film clips I know. If I need to be cheered up or empowered, this song will do it. “I don’t mind what people say, no I won’t look back for another day, gonna shed my skin and walk away”. Beautiful.

 

6. Rykketid, Trentemoller.

Trentemoller is a whole lot of win. One day I’ll get to hear him in the flesh. This is a good example of his bubble-tech vibe and the reason I love him to death.

 

7. Drain You, Nirvana.

Love me some Nirvana. Good to yell to or just dump some pent up energy. “The water is so yellow I’m a healthy student”. Grunge poet extraordinaire.

 

8. Runaway Lover, Madonna.

It’s mandatory to have some Madonna on rotation. Don’t judge me. There are a lot of things I like about her ‘Music’ album, probably because she put a bit of electro kick in it.

 

9. Rapture, iiO.

Her voice gets me every time.

 

10. Can You Rock it Like This, Run DMC.

Like Madonna, it’s the law to have some Run DMC on hand for those 80’s moments. This isn’t one of my favourite songs from them though. Give me ‘It’s Tricky’ any day.

 

Ok, I’m happy with that. It’s a keeper. Good job iPod.

30day challenge: 14.

Day 14: A picture of you and your family.

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No can do. Well, not one picture of us all together.

 

I’m related to most of New Zealand and they’re all still over there, breeding like there’s no tomorrow. Every time I check Facebook another cousin’s had another baby. I’m sure they think I’m letting the side down with my childless living, but I choose to see it as doing my bit to restore the balance.

 

Ironically with such a large family I’m not very family oriented. I don’t catch up with them much, even though my mum, sister, niece and one of my aunties live less than 10minutes away. It really is tragic.

 

Every family has its issues and I don’t really feel like going into any of mine, so here are some happy snaps to fill the rest of the page. Hover over them for how they slot into my life:

 

 

 

30day challenge: 13.

Day 13: Write a letter to someone who has hurt you.

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Dear everyone who has hurt me,

 

From the father who left to the stepfather who battled me until I left at the age of 17, to the boyfriend who walked out of an engagement, to the many boys who used me and never called me back, to the friends who betrayed me,

 

I forgive you.

 

Because you didn’t know any better, because if I don’t forgive you I will never get over it, because not letting go of the hurt will make me the loser – I forgive you.

 

Because my life is richer for the lessons you have taught me, because of the strength you’ve made me discover in myself – I forgive you.

 

Because you have shown me my guardian angels – I thank you.

 

Hugs and kisses,

Me.